2004 Man of the Year

There wasn't even a second place in this contest. George W Bush has done more to reshape the world order than any president has since Franklin D. Roosevelt. Taking on the courageous task of changing the poisonous mindset of Islamists around the world, he has thus far been successful in Afghanistan and in Iraq (to varying degrees). He has much work to be done. But President Bush has proven himself to be - in so many ways - Man of the Year 2004

2004 Woman of the Year

Let's see. There are only two women that could be considered for this title. One looks like she just crawled out of a dumpster and who elevated the 2004 presidential campaign rhetoric by calling us all "scumbags" and idiots. The other candidate is articulate, sweet, and charming, and is dedicated to the success of her husband's mission, to the children of America, and to her family. Hmm. Tough choice.

Worst Campaign Moment of 2004

Democratic presidential contender Howard Dean scored no points with the animal rights movement when he attempted to thrill his rabidly deranged followers with a demonstration of what he was going to do to George W Bush when they met up. The crowd loved the moment; the innocent kitten, it is reported, has been traumatized for life.

*You have to click on the image and enlarge it in order to appreciate it.

Most Effective Campaign Strategists of 2004

Yes, these two fun-loving pranksters, working in close coordination, were able to do for the George W Bush reelection campaign what an army of advisors, pollsters, and party strategists were not able to pull off. Saddam Hussein and Michael Moore are recognized as being my strategists of the year for having roused the passions of millions of Americans and for having propelled voter turnout to levels this country had never seen before.

We look forward to their help again in 2008. Condoleezza will have an uphill battle without them.

Most Trusted News Anchor of the Year

I have chosen Dan Rather as Most Trusted News Anchor of the Year. Of course the year was 1919. I thought, since Mr. Rather mysteriously - and abruptly - chose to go into retirement, I would recognize him for his years of dedicated service and for his many achievements. The problem is, other than making a Kinko's in Abilene, Texas famous, his legacy won't amount to much. Here's an "awe, shucks" to you Dan. Don't let the door slap that fat ass of yours on your way out. Key word being out, as in get. Or as you might put it, git.

Loser of the Year 2004

I couldn't decide on one person for this honor so I declared it a tie between a confused, narcissistic, messianic, lice infested pathological liar and Saddam Hussein. They both tried so hard to change the course of history but, in the end, failed to change much of anything; except perhaps in the case of John Kerry his Vietnam War record and with Saddam Hussein his soiled underwear. Kerry and Hussein deserve to share this honor; they did much to enrich our lives with great entertainment in 2004.

Best Imitation of a Lawn Gnome 2004

I know it is disrespectful to make fun of the dead but few people in recent decades have been more responsible for the slaughter of innocent women and children than has Yasser Arafat. He was the world's most popular terrorist; particularly admired by the French and by the entire United Nations General assembly. It was their support and fealty that convinced me that he was to be denounced. When I watched the news footage of thousands of people trying to get to his coffin at his burial ceremony in Ramallah, I remember wishing that I could have been one of them. I wanted to leave him a token of my appreciation for that which he did for humanity and I had even trained my bowels to cooperate in the effort. So to speak ...

Entertainer of the Year 2004

Here I was, concerned that crazy Al wasn't going to be around to provide the yucks that he had in his run for the presidency. But, boy was I mistaken. Remember his "he played on our fears!" scream? And when he called us brownshirts for having the audacity to say unkind things about him and his ilk in the Democratic party? And who can forget his speech in New York where he - once again - predicted the end of the world as a result of global warming ... on the coldest day of the year, in the midst of white-out blizzard conditions. Yes, Al Gore deserves the title Entertainer of the Year 2004. The only competition he had, as it turned out, was Scott Peterson, but Scott just wasn't crazy enough.

Best Nonfiction Book of 2004

To be perfectly honest, I haven't read Clinton's book. I'm waiting until it makes its way to the 99 cent rack at the nearby Wal-Mart (it is almost there). I had to recognize Slick Willy's achievement, however, in being able to sell over a million copies of his autobiography, "My Life." The fact that most of the books were sold to women who he had in the past raped, molested, assaulted, groped, fondled, and threatened, all of whom bought the book to see if it provided grounds for a lawsuit, was not taken into consideration.

I'm told Hillary comes across as being a conniving, spiteful, arrogant, condescending bitch in this book. That's the only reason I decided to put it in the non-fiction category.

Best Picture 2004 In a Non-Fiction Category

This is Hillary's autobiographical documentary that actually hasn't been released yet but, based on mainstream media and Hollywood adulation, I decided to make her penetrating, thought-provoking retrospection Best Non-Fiction Movie of 2004. I'm told she finally reveals to the world how she actually made all that money on cattle futures; how the law firm billing records got into her closet in the White House; how adept Vince Foster was at satisfying her acute sexual desires; and why on earth she ever decided to allow herself to be filmed on that Central American beach (with wild Willy) in that god-awful bathing suit that made her butt look larger than my barn door.

Best Director 2004

I'll let you decide.

Best Halloween Costume 2004

I know there is no category for Best Halloween Costume but look at this picture, for God's sake. This guy was hoping to convince us that he could be the Commander in Chief of the greatest military fighting force in the history of the world; the leader of the free world. Just who was he trying to impress with the bunny suit? Hugh Hefner? PETA? The Trojan condom people? Maybe he was trying to secure the vote of the "crazy-old-aunt-you-keep-locked-in-the-attic" vote. It doesn't matter. John Kerry gets my vote ... finally.