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Monday, July 11, 2005

They Can Arrest You For This?

When playing cards - or diggin' ditches - there is an expression:
Never send a boy to do a man's job.
When celebrating a birthday by having strippers spank the bare butt of the guest of honor, never send a 31 year-old truck driver. I guess.

From the Associated Press:

Strippers Arrested in Alleged Spanking

JACKSONVILLE, Ark. (AP) -- Three strippers and two nightclub managers have been arrested for allegedly spanking a trucker at his 31st birthday bash and severely bruising his backside.

After his friends paid $25, Keith Lowery was handcuffed and spanked with a 3-foot-long paddle and a belt while one of the strippers restrained his head with her legs, investigators with the Pulaski County Sheriff's Office said.

Kelly Eslick, 21, a stripper at Sensations nightclub in Jacksonville admitted to police that she used a paddle drilled with holes for less air resistance while the two other dancers, Lisa Nolen, 23, and Charlene Smith, 23, used the belt. (link)

What a baby. He gets spanked by a trio of strippers, ends up with a few bruises on his buns, and has the strippers arrested in retaliation.

The real crime is in their having charged Keith's friends only $25 when I know from personal experience that the going rate is nothing less than two hundred.

When You Have Nothing To Say ...

Can I offer a suggestion to the editorial page editor of the Roanoke Times? Fire the person who writes Briefly put ...

Here's today's witless offering.
Briefly put ...

For the first time since its carving 64 years ago, Mount Rushmore in South Dakota is receiving a giant scrubbing of its granite presidential faces.

The high-pressure washing, expected to take five weeks, will remove corrosive lichens and grime that could damage the likenesses of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln. Maybe the project will inspire voters to turn the electoral hoses on several not-so-august living political leaders. [my emphasis] (
That's it? That's the best punchline you people could come up with? Was this written under duress or were you just filling space? Summer intern at work maybe? I'll bet you felt obligated to print the scribblings of the boss's daughter. That's where my money is.

Whoever wrote this had a lead-in to a good zinger with the "high pressure washing ... that could damage the likenesses of ..." but the tag line, besides being totally disconnected, is humorless, senseless, and inane. And what the hell are electoral hoses?

This is a rather common occurrence with Briefly put ... It's as if someone has been given a quota and a time limit and must produce. Something. Anything.

I recommend, as an alternative, that he or she write nothing. Ever again.